Some people find themselves in their faith, I lost my old self in my old faith
From as far as i can remember i have always been a devoted Christian. I was diligent and i always wanted more. I went through numerous bible classes and certificates just to understand the word of God better. This gave me a feeling of contentment. I felt like i belong. And for the longest part, i believed.
Alot of the time, I’d find myself speaking into the universe about what i wanted and it would come my way. I attributed this gratuitous act to God because thats what i knew. Thats all i knew.
Until the summer of 2017. The details are irrelevant now but i was experiencing a-lot of confusion and my world was flipped upside down in so many different ways
Being the person i am, I knew i believed my all powerful God would not let this suffering come for me if he knew i could not handle it. He wouldn’t purposefully send harm my way. And so i prayed for endurance. I prayed and i prayed and i prayed. I set aside a whole month for prayer and fasting and even attended a two weeks conference just to make it all go away or atleast ease the pain.
It had been months and things were no better. This was only hard to swallow because i didn’t understand why.
Why the pain, why the misery. And then i started to think of thousands out there in pain and anguish, not by their own hand but still the suffer.
So again i wondered why.
I eventually shook off the need of needing a savior, of trying to find reason or some sort of logical explanation in the clouds. And so i embraced the natural balances of the universe
Flawed, still evolving, fighting the influence of good and bad human habits and behavior and trying to find its place in the world. Like myself. Like so many others in the world. This seemed to make sense
Why would i, if perfect, create imperfect beings?
Why , if understood pain, strive, sickness, greed, hate, death and evil, ever want to inflict it on another? Let alone my own creation?
Especially if it was in my power not to.
Does a perfect being have the capacity to understand the struggles of an imperfect one?
In a monarchy, can the king born of the palace understand the struggles of the common people?
I think these things and hardly get to a definite answer. But now these are just thoughts to occupy my free time.
My old self is with my old faith now. Still lost, full of questions with no answers, viewing the world hazingly and full of ideas i was only born into but never got to decide or question if they were truly my own.
She is but a version of me that could not make it to the person i am now. Now i am stronger, with a mind of my own and a curiosity for knowledge. And my focus and my understanding has had a huge shift over things of the world and it only gets more and more broadened as i seek truth in the universal realm
But this is just my journey. I have heard of people speak of an unexplainable feeling, overwhelming yet makes them feel like they belong that they found in their religious faiths. And i am always fascinated and eager to hear about it because i too have experienced it and know that feeling. And, for them, i am happy. Because finding yourself in something is always a good thing. As i journey on, with universal energy by my side, i find myself in so many places and works of art/music/conversation.
I look forward to hearing of your stories as you journey through the life. What shaped your faith, what you believe in and what makes you feel most alive.