Pages From A Novel I Will Never Write

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“What do you mean? ” I ask while having my meal

“Well, he is a part of history now but somehow people only remember the bad he did. Thats the problem with people, only focusing on the bad side of things. What of all the good he did? “ he explains

“Well he did kill many people” i say, trying to end the conversation topic

“Are you done eating? “ i ask

“Yeah am done, want to get ice cream?” He asks, Knowing damn well the answer is hell yeah

“Haha very funny, but yes please 😁” with a large grin.

We get up and go out of the restaurant. He gets on his motorbike.

“C’mon, get on”

Marcus and I have been dating for about 3months now and i have only rode his motorbike countable times and somehow it bothered him. I suppose it made me seem like i didn’t want to or trust him.

On the contrary i knew he was a good rider. I had seen him on his bike many times before. But i preferred the walks.

All my girlfriends took advantage of his obsession for me and asked for rides to anywhere knowing he wouldn’t say no. Which made him wonder why i didn’t take advantage of him the most.

“Marcus, we talked about this” i say, knowing i am gonna have to regardless

“I know Zoe, but i promise to ride at average speed. You can wear a helmet if you like” he says

“Alright, sure”

Now don’t get me wrong, i had nothing against riding motorbikes or him being the driver. I just didn’t want the relationship to feel too real. Whatever that meant, its how i felt. And i wanted things as simple as possible and the rides just seemed too intimate. At least for me.

“Its ok, you can hold on to me as tightly as you like” he says noticing am doing my best not to touch him

Holding on tightly to people never did quite end well for me in the past now did it?” I think to myself

“Its alright am fine” i say

The truth is I didn’t want our lives to intertwine, to be too involved with one another. He had been very determined to do so over these few couple of months. He showed up when i needed him, he somehow found a way to pick me up everyday for my lunch break and bring me back to work. Then pick me up later in the evenings and take me for dinner.

Most times we had the conversation about whether i should stay by his place or be taken home. And am not selfish or anything but i love and need my space and my home always won. I visited his place plenty times just never did stay long. At most I’d end up tidying up his place and requesting to leave for an urgent matter.

“We’re here” he says “ what flavor would you like?”

“Actually i want the milkshake, the usual “

“Was thinking the same thing” he says

We get the milkshakes and spend some minutes tryna decide whether he has to leave the bike so we get to walk, and i can tell from his face he knows he won’t win this one and he is not happy about it.

“ You are a strange girl Zoe”

Strange? What does that even mean? Gosh Marcus, very romantic thing to say

I smile.

We walk to the park and sit by the lake side, its a full moon so the water has this beautiful reflection of the moon

“ I have been thinking ….. “

Marcus goes on to tell me about whats been going on in his head. So easily and openly. I wish i could to talk to him the same but, well, never mind.

“Thats great” i approve at one point

There’s one thing i loved about Marcus, he was so open with me. Its like he just naturally trusted me with anything he could think of. Either he didn’t know how to not tell me or he willingly felt comfortable enough but nevertheless i liked it.

We talk until its almost 1am and we walk back to the ice cream shop and he takes me home.

“Goodnight” he says as he drops me off.

“I love you”

I stare at him, take a deep breathe, smile

“I love you too”

How do you stare at someone and tell them you love them when you know tomorrow………

“I’ll watch you go in. Don’t want no one or anything hurting my baby” he continues

Just perfect, thats exactly what i didn’t want him to do. Be sweet and all. He’s a great guy. Amazing but….

I giggle. “Alright, bye 👋🏽 “

I get in and close the door behind me. My heart is heavy.

I lean on the door.

“Zoerina what are you doing?” I ask myself

I just can’t shake this feeling. I can’t live this lie anymore.

 

 

 

 

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